I'm sorry, Scarlett
"Now remember, you're a big girl and you need to sleep in your bed all night" I said to Scarlett as I tucked her in. "Ok mummy, I pwomise" she replied. At 3am I heard the familiar pitter patter of feet as the bedroom door slowly slides open "I'm scared, mummy. I want to lay with you." I sigh, I roll over and open the covers as she climbs in.
After a broken sleep and a restless night, the day is filled with spilled drinks, sticky fingers, dirty floors, tantrums, fights, a never ending pile of dishes and I don't even know where to start on the pile of laundry. Negotiations to finish lunches, tears and constantly carrying one or both around while I pick up toys and put away clothes.
Amidst the stress and rush of the day Scarlett alerts me to the fact that she has had an 'accident' "I'm so sowwy, mummy. It was an accident." she says. As I peel off her wet clothes I can hear myself speak to her in a disapproving tone. "You're a big girl Scarlett, you shouldn't be having accidents. Why didn't you go to the toilet? I ask sternly "I was playing and I forgot. Sowwy" she said again.
My heart sank as I took a deep breath and really focussed on her apologetic eyes. She really felt bad and this is the first accident she's had in months. I gave her a big cuddle "No, I'm sorry Scarlett."
I'm sorry for forgetting that you're not a 'big girl' you're THREE and I'm sorry for having such high expectations. I'm sorry for making you feel like you can't make a mistake, I'm sorry for expecting perfection. A clean house, clean hands, no dishes or dirty laundry. I'm sorry for expecting a full nights sleep and for complaining when you ask to lay with me at night when you're afraid. I'm sorry I get so caught up in the rush of life that I sometimes forget to let you be little. Because that's what you are and you deserve to have this time to make mess, have accidents, sleep with me if you feel afraid because that's what being little is.
I'm so quick to remember the hard moments in the day because I expect so much from myself. I expect to have it all together, the house to be clean, to have no laundry, to have perfect, well behaved kids.
I forgot the fun we had that day rolling on the grass giggling, looking at the clouds. I forgot about the horsey rides we play. I forgot how much we laughed when we dressed Henny up as a girl and plaited his hair. Because sometimes, I can be too much of an adult and I need to remind myself the mess can wait, but those moments with you, I'll never get back. Those are the moments I want to remember. After all, you're only little for such a short while.
